I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
