I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
