i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
