I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize