i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize