He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
