Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
