Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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