Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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