I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
are you so shy because you have an std?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
