Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
