I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize