u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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