I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
