I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
