I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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