allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
