Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
