So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
