I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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