sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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