thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
