Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
