my phone needs a breathalizer
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
