dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
