I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
