Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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