Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
