I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
