i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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