Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
