This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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