There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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