I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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