I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
