somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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