we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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