Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
