What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
