You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
