he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
