textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
