I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
