Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
