Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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