i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
