Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
