I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
