I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
