she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
