'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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