I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
