Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
