I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
this is an emotional support booty call
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize