her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
